Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, Ringling Brothers and Barnum . . . wait, wait, wait . . . this isn’t the circus . . . . That would be the Dallas Cowboys 2010 season. I did an extensive amount of research on this topic (a.k.a. took the Old Grey Wolf’s word for it), and there has never been a team in the history of professional sports that has been so disappointing. EVER! Thankfully, we had the Danger Rangers make their first World Series appearance and the twice-a-decade occurrence of when the greatness of my Texas A&M Aggies (WHOOP!) DESTROY O-WHO. I guess that really shows how long I have been away . . . .
Lucky for you though, this is not going to be about sports. I may only have a small female audience, but they do not care to know about how my fantasy football teams are doing (two 1st place teams, a 3rd, and a 4th – That’s how I roll). Part of the delay in my 2 month hiatus has been the lack of inspiration. I have been unreasonably busy at work until the last two weeks, and am just now caught up. When the mind is constantly focusing on slabs, pier and beams, steel piers, concrete piers, I don’t give a crap, soil types, I thought I got to forget all this stuff after college, sales reports, etc., it is hard to find A.) Time and B.) A topic worth dropping a bomb with. I kicked around a few ideas that were about romantic relationships, but then I realized, “Half of my audience is married. While I truly appreciate them, they will zone out in the time it takes me to be killed playing Xbox.” In a short convo w/ Amazing, she mentally kicked me in the junk, and I decided to explain the complexity of social relationships to you. Since you are actually spending time reading this, it is quite obvious you need some coaching. I am going to boil this down the most basic of levels, between males, females (quick break for Lie to Me), and everything between.
Now we are going to start this section off with a little Bob Schneider . . . my personal favorite song, “Tarantula.” THERE SHE GOES, THERE IN THE MOONLIGHT, UNDER THE STARS, TARANTULA!!!!!!! For the life of me, I cannot understand how he is not bigger. I mean, he does the Tarantula Dance. Moving on . . . . Now, it is quite obvious that I am the master of all things female. I mean seriously, let’s be realistic, what is it I don’t get???? So we are going to start with the male-male (MM) relationship. I really think it is the most simple of the 3 potential interactions. Males seem to be able to bond over the most basic of similarities. I would bring up the example of Big Mac, but that has already been discussed, it would be like beating a dead Wade Phillips. So last weekend, I am out watching the Aggie thrashing of Blow-U, and some random guy sits down next to me. All I care about is the small fact that Father Time is cheering for the Aggies. Well, we begin to chat it up, and wouldn’t you know it Father Time is class of ’82 (WHOOP!), lives in Euless, recently divorced, has a daughter who is class of ’10 (WHOOP!), loves Coach Sherman, loves Coach Turgeon (we discussed how they both understand what it means to be an Aggie), and if I am in DFW, I plan on watching every game with him. All it takes is the smallest, slight open window for guys to become best friends. But, this doesn’t begin to explain the deeper relationships guys develop. A MM relationship is very shallow on most levels. Guys take to opening up and sharing their feelings like Mike Jenkins takes to tackling . . . RUNS THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION!!!! So getting 2 males to open up with each other is practically an unheard of phenomenon. I evaluate my own life, and feel very lucky that Bad Boy, Law, and Jersey Shore have always been there. The entirety of my social circle does not know about the night I got my MIP, but I was 19 and thought life was caving in on me that very night. I literally sat in Law’s room and was paralyzed for half an hour (even right now I am covering up details to keep from opening up). We didn’t share more than a few words the whole time, but this underscores a VERY IMPORTANT POINT in the MM relationship. So much can actually be understood between two guys, it does not always need to be spoken. While the MM relationship and interactions are shallower on many levels, the unspoken bonding is absolutely incredible.
WHAT UP PRINCESS 2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We are sharply moving from “I understand them” relationships into “This makes no sense to me because I am a guy, but it just seems to be the way they are” female-female relationships (FF). Now because of the female wrath, I won’t even be using code names for them during this section. The old saying “There is no wrath, like the scorn of a woman” or however it goes, is completely true. Upset women are like Yankee fans, completely irrational and have blinders on like a horse pulling a carriage. *I do not understand the fascination with the band “Live”, I just don’t get it* When we look at it on the same initial level as the MM relationship, women take far more to initially open up. Think about the old adage of two women showing up at a party in the same shirt—They will officially hate each other for a good three weeks. On a basic level, women are far more petty and jealous. Two girls that share an ex-boyfriend are far less likely to be friends than two guys with the same ex-girlfriend (the timing of this scenario is very important obviously). I wish over the years I had recorded different conversations between women I was privileged enough to be a fly on the wall for . . . . I take that back, privileged is strong word. I think this is the one I understand the least because I have never experienced either side of it. I would love for someone to explain to me why a girl will chase after a guy strictly to make another girl jealous??? If I am chasing after a girl, the cares and desires of another dude are the last thing on my mind. Of course, my pursuit may be purely selfish, but I’m not maliciously chasing a girl to spite another guy. When I was in high school, I went out with this girl for like 2 weeks only to find out she was just trying to piss another girl off!!!!!!!!! I didn’t really care, but I was thoroughly confused by the whole situation. I have two younger sisters, and to hear about their drama just absolutely baffles me. The basics of any relationship (MM, FF, MF/FM) are trust, respect, honesty…and the FF relationships so rarely seem to exemplify this. NOW, ALL THAT BEING SAIDDO NOT, I REPEAT DO NOT, PISS OFF AN ENTIRE GROUP OF FEMALES!!!!!!!! One is bad enough, but they will all kick you under the bus faster than *THERE’S BEEN TIMES I’M SO CONFUSED, IT’S HARD TO SAY WHAT IT IS I SEE IN YOU* That song coming on right there, were eerily appropriate . . . yes, I know it was written from a guy to a girl in the song, but work with me here . . . the Rangers bullpen gave up homeruns in the World Series. Women also seem to be much more fiercely loyal once they have gotten past/through the backstabbing/jealous stage. Again, I don’t get it but I SPEAK THE TRUTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now, on to the most complex, disorganized, confusing, time-consuming, emotionally/physically/mentally draining, deepest, most conflicting, meaningful, and fulfilling relationship. The female-male interaction. I am sure most people think I’m going to preach “Hell, fire, and brimstone” like a southern Baptist preacher on a hot Sunday afternoon, but that is not entirely the case. “Two Step” by DMB just came on and I think that is another fantastically timed song title . . . balancing a relationship is like doing the two step . . . at its very core, there isn’t a substantial amount of complexity. But when two people try to dance together with different skill levels (or at different points in their lives), were taught differently (value different aspects of the relationship), or like to go at different paces (don’t open up well), then they are bound to “step on each other’s toes.” The FM interaction is so delicate that the smallest thing can blow it up—It takes practice for people to end up in sync with each other. It requires give and take on both sides. This doesn’t just apply to romantic FM relationships; think about your best friend of the opposite sex . . . was there not a period of time where you learned how to “dance” with them? I look at my closest friends of the opposite sex, and by Sweet Baby Ricky Bobby, I pushed, prodded, demanded, and abused our relationship until I knew they would stick around. For a guy to be emotionally close to a girl without (even subconsciously) having a desire for more, there has to be an emotional connection before any real physical connection can grab hold. Once there is a physical bond for a guy, it is very difficult for a guy to step back and separate the two. It will always be in the back of his mind, that there once was more, and guys are naturally curious. The flip side is also true, guys can’t always get pasted the fact they have an emotional tie to a female if that’s what they truly had first. Of course, all that being said, GUYS HAVE THAT PHYSICAL CONNECTION WITHIN MOMENTS!!
I think the most important thing I have come to realize in the FM interaction is it seems to be much harder for the male to give it up than the female. Obviously there are a lot of outside influences/factors, but when it comes down to it, guys fall farther from a break in a relationship. Again, not mattering whether it is a romantic relationship or purely plutonic. For you ladies, think about this—take the most important guy in your life and you could probably name his most important possession. Guys are almost blindly loyal. Getting that loyalty may not be easy, but once you have it, it is relentless. While I may not agree with my best female friends on many different things, I will almost blindly defend them. The romantic side of this can be equally as frustrating and rewarding. Going back to the DMB analogy . . . once you have worked through stepping on the toes from a missed spin, the FM relationship can be the most rewarding, wonderful, beautiful dance you will find.
I must admit something very small here—I was completely sober when writing this. I know I made a pledge, and when I get back to writing consistently I will stand by my promise. Right now, I have a Jerry Jones in my life, constantly meddling and limiting my authoriti (yes, I intentionally spelled that with an “i”). As always, I appreciate your time, I know you had better things to do, but this has been such an incredible outlet for me, I cannot say thank you enough.