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Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Let me tell you about my holidays...

So, I originally started this on a Saturday afternoon in mid-December…in Texas. It was like 65 degrees outside. SHOCKER!!!!!! But what did you all expect me to be doing??!?!?!?! The 1st annual holiday blitzkrieg of my writing was under an unusually high level of inspiration….6 drinks deep. I was at the point I was spinning beer bottles (luckily they were empty) on my hands like a gunslinger in the old West…ironically, I was in Ft. Worth, Town of the Cow. I spent the morning making sure I would be substantially dehydrated for the afternoon Lindsay Lohan drinking binge. However, due to my substantial ADD it took more time than expected, and went through a few different format changes. Thankfully, my editor knows me all too well and can decipher my jibberish.

For those of you who are too stupid to read a FB profile page (stop reading now if you don’t know what I’m talking about), I am 25. I spent 7 years working at Best Buy, which means my holidays have undergone some of the most polarizing, emotional changes possible. As a very small child, I realized how tremendously awful Thanksgiving food is, couldn’t sleep for 3 days waiting for Christmas, and New Years just meant Christmas with a different side of the family. Once high school rolled around, I still hated Thanksgiving food (minus the pies), could finally sleep before Christmas, and realized how lame my life was on New Year’s Eve. College rolled around and Thanksgiving became the dreaded “Black Friday,” but at least I was able to go out the night before and get SO SUPER SMASHED I could enjoy the Thanksgiving meal. The holiday season became nothing but super long hours and hating people. And this is the first holiday season I am not under the Hitler Umbrella of Best Buy. I’m going to give you a small window into the holiday views of RENOWNED 3DrinksDeep author, me.

So, back when I was a child (for these purposes, junior high and younger), Thanksgiving seemed to be a complete waste of a holiday. I’m mean really – we came over from England, nicely told some Indians to get off our future plantations, and took advantage of not having a brown-toothed Brit to control us. Did we really need to poison some Indians with smallpox at a dinner table??? The Quakers were against guns, they liked to use chemical warfare…talk about innovators. But thankfully, Abraham Lincoln was a good man (can’t wait for that movie, Daniel Day Lewis is awesome, TWO CHANNEL STATION DO NOT ARGUE WITH ME!!!!!!!) and forced a national holiday on us. I digressed a bit, I apologize. I honestly don’t remember a whole lot from when I was younger about Thanksgiving, it was honestly nothing but eating food I didn’t like, going through the newspaper and circling all the Legos and video games I wanted for Christmas, and watching America’s Team play football.

Reasons the Dallas Cowboys are America’s Team:

1. Most Super Bowl WINS: 5 (2nd All-Time in NFL History)

2. Most Super Bowl Appearances: 8 (1st All-Time in NFL History)

3. Most playoff Appearances: 30 (tied for 1st w/ the New York Douchebag Giants who have been around 20 years longer)

4. They are just that great.

I honestly felt like it was just another Sunday afternoon dinner with the family. My cousin and I would ride around in our little electric jeep that my grandfather couldn’t keep powered up to save his life, we would want to go wading in the creek (until I saw a 30 foot water moccasin and checked out of there for good), and it was generally just the marker for 1 month til Christmas.

Christmas wasn’t really entirely different. The only difference was I finally got the legos and video games I had been living and breathing for a month. You will, however, get a list of my favorite Christmas presents.

Favorite Christmas Presents:
• Whiskey Rocks (Thanks Law)
• Windwall Northface (led into many more Northface jackets)
• Legos
• Ariat Boots

Christmas was always the precursor for a holiday that has been awesome since I was about 16…it has never let me down since then. NEW YEARS EVE. And this NYE was no different.

So, New Years Eve. Verbalizing this in my presence immediately causes thunder and lightning to go off in the back of my expansive mind. NEW *Boom* YEARS*Crack* EVE *Boom*….that is about how it goes. This year was no different. For those of you who don’t know about my Lindsay Lohan social life…Jersey Shore and I have had quite a few memorable nights, and we had been planning on doing something for a while before the actual holiday. Jersey Shore picked me up at about 5pm NYE, and we immediately headed to his place. We are cruising along, minding our own sober business only to have an ’84 Olds Supreme spin out on the median completely unprovoked (unprovoked was the Sunday word of the weekend). We avoided it with relative ease, but that should have been a sign from the Lord Most High to turn our happy posteriors around and go home. We arrive at Jersey Shore’s place, and whilst he is getting ready I pop a bottle of 3 Olives (average vodka, good value). We have a vast selection of movies, The Hangover, Law Abiding Citizen, and Black Sheep…can you guess which one I decided we would pregame with???

What do tigers dream of, when they take a little tiger snooze?

Do they dream of mauling zebras, or Halle Berry in her catwoman suit?

Don't you worry your pretty striped head, we're gonna get you back to Tyson and your cozy tiger bed.

And they we're gonna find our bestfriend Doug and then we're gonna give him a bestfriend hug.

Doug, Doug, Oh, Doug Douggie Douggie Doug Doug.

But if he's been murdered by crystal meth tweekers, well then we're **** out of luck.

By the time this song came on, I was 3 gallons of safe, clear liquid deep, or whatever the elephant equivalent may be. Due to social norms, of which I am an expert, we stopped by a colleague of Jersey Shore. Now this social gathering (I hesitate to call it a party or event), was at the apartment of a young lady who MADE ME TAKE OFF MY SHOES!!!!!!!!!!!! APPARENTLY SHE IS NOT FAMILIAR WITH THE IMPORTANCE OF SHOES IN THE NEW (BOOM) YEARS (CRACK) EVE (BOOM) ATTIRE. However, they did have some phenomenal figure foods…chocolate pretzels, green grapes (PURPLE AND RED GRAPES SUCK), trail mix, and a chair shaped like a hand. Imagine sitting in the palm of someone’s hand, and the thumb being an armrest. It was strong…to quite strong. However, I needed to slow down from Lindsay Lohan to Kanye West in my zeal for the evening, so we decided to depart for the official Texas A&M (WHOOP!) party. For those of you who are not familiar with Dallas…we were walking through the jungle hood to arrive at our destination. It was like a dark, homeless jungle with beaches and little straw drinks on each side. I actually feel somewhat bad for this next group….Jersey Shore, Big Mike and I showed up, ate burritos and tacos, drank Margs, and bailed. However, Jersey Shore was harassed by a 35 year old, bean pole. But that is neither here nor there. We strode out and began looking for a taxi…which we could not find…BECAUSE THEY WERE ON STRIKE!!!!!!!!!!!! I don’t know what taxi company owners do that is so intolerable, but it must be bad; so I’m assuming they are treated like Chinese citizens under Mao Zedong (proper spelling according to Wikipedia).

After finally flagging down someone, we arrive at the Fashion Industry Gallery. Please feel free to insert joke here: _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________.

Ok, you are done, moving on. Btw, I looked sharp…lots of black and a little red. Thanks Freshman, for the awesome shirt. In reality, the actual fashion show was relatively uneventful…until the final few minutes. I was meandering around like a wild camel in the desert, while Jersey Shore and Big Mike were saving bonnie lasses from the likes of Ron Jeremy. While being fondled by Ron Jeremy, this young breezy gave Big Mike the “save me” eyes. Being the stand up guy Big Mike is, he walked over and began representing strong friendship. Jersey Shore rolled up behind Big Mike and immediately dismissed Ron Jeremy with a “HEY, SHE DOESN’T WANT YOU OVER HERE ANYMORE!!!” Well, Ole Ron didn’t appreciate being thrown aside by two people substantially taller than him, and immediately responded w/ “Do you know who I am??” *Now a quick aside into the human psyche: THERE IS NO STATEMENT MORE INDICATIVE OF BRAZEN, UNFOUNDED ARROGANCE THAN “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM???” If you really are a big deal, you can just have the situation handled, you don’t need to throw your 130 LBs. around. It’s kind of like me at work….no one questions me, because I am a big deal…kind of…

Well Ron Jeremy decided to bound off like a poodle running around in the backyard (quite a funny site if you have never seen it: He went and got his security guard friends, and they came back as a posse acting like this guy after the Rose Bowl: (the first 11 seconds are what matters). Well, Mr. Jeremy decided it would be a good idea to open-hand slapped Jersey Shore….I bet you can guess this didn’t go over well. Considering I was still a meandering camel and to avoid any additional complications, we are going to include 3 key facts and move on with the evening.

1. During my excursion, I lost $100 bill. It is gone. Like Michael Jackson…but at least we know how Ole Ben Franklin left us.

2. The end of the incident was marked by the arrival of an ambulance.

3. All 3 of us decided our presence was no longer needed at the Fashion Industry Gallery.

In our hasty departure, we attempted to flag down a safe-looking vehicle with which to bribe to take us to some hotel. We thought we accomplished all three, only to fall a little short. Like Wisconsin in the Rose Bowl ( . We find a nice young lady who will give us a ride, but were a little surprised. We asked her how her night was going (naturally), with which we got the SHOCKING response of “I’m high.” Now, please envision your stereotypical “high” individual driving around downtown Dallas….no need to dwell on these facts, you are visualizing perfectly right now. An immediate and overwhelming sense of panic rose up inside of us, like the Obama voting contingent a few years ago. Thankfully the rest of the trip was quite eventful, and our high female chauffeur deliver us safely to the hotel. The rest of the evening rounded into very safe form, and we arrive safely back at Jersey Shore’s. However, in my life of opulence (Saturday word of the weekend), I found it absolutely necessary to make sure I slept on an air mattress…that was not inflated…I felt like I had been moved outside and was among the local hobos. Actual New Years day was spent recovering from the (I MUST GO TO AN SEC SCHOOL FOR GRAD SCHOOL. SEC = HOT) Mel Gibson type craziness of the evening before.

I’ll be perfectly honest, my holidays are generally uneventful. They started as too much family and too many Legos; and developed into too much family and too much booze. I hope you were moderately entertained for the brief moments you spent reading my ramblings and about my tomfoolery. Again, AS ALWAYS, suggestions are appreciated. I’m wavering like Paris Hilton in front of a few lines of blow and some Purple Drank. I do not know whether or not attack something serious or not. SOMEONE SEND ME A LIST TO DO!!!!!!!! I love doing those…

A quick shoutout to me. I have now officially had over 1,000 site visits to 3DrinksDeep. Thank you for all your support.

I also want to give a quick shoutout to Bad Boy. He was recently engaged, and I am tremendously excited for him. She is a wonderful young woman and I cannot wait for that beautiful day.